Sins of the father

Growing up I've always been told to be careful of my actions and the things that I do, because the sins of the father will fall on the child. I didn't pay this any mind at the time because I had no kids, was young and wild and to be honest I just didn't care. Those words have never rang truer than at this moment. I replay the moments of my son's life while he was growing up, over and over in my head, wishing I could recapture some of those moments. There are so many things I would have done differently, such as sharing more of myself with him and not thinking that he was a self contained kid like I was. I didn't need or want my father's constant attention. When it came to doing things with my father or spending time with him, for the most part I just wanted to be left alone.

I didn't know how to relate to my father, we were from 2 different worlds and there are times when I thought as a son I was a failure to him. I wasn't a rough and tumble kid, I shied away from other kids because of my own insecurities and learned how to create my own imaginary world that had no room for a father. Believing that the fruit doesn't fall too far from the tree, I had assumed that my son would be the same way. All I had to do was give him enough toys, plenty of interactive games and activities and he'd have no need for me. My old school way of thinking was to just pay the bills, keep a roof over every one's head and food in their bellies and my job is done! To that, I say not a shot! My role as a father figure, domestic partner and provider were all intangibles and it's very hard to have one without the other, and is a role that is ongoing and all encompassing.

I was too self absorbed to see that my son needed so much more from me, much more than what I was capable of giving at the time because I just didn't know how to give that part of myself that he needed so desperately. I reflect on our relationship with sadness and deep regret over not following through on what was expected of me and when I blame him for his actions, I am inadvertently blaming myself.