I have my son visiting for the weekend and in order for this to be enjoyable for either of us, I have to find a way to move forward and put the negative behind me. I seem to be the only one in my household holding on to these feelings and it seems as if no one really gives a dam how I feel about anything anyway. When things are brought upon me in a negative way, especially by the one's whom are closest to me, it tends to affect me a bit deeper as opposed to some one outside my circle. I have looked inside my heart on numerous occasions for a way to resolve this within me and for the time being I can't. A part of me has died as a result of my son stealing my things and I honestly don't know if it will ever be reborn.

I keep replaying the episode in my head over and over again and I don't think I'l ever have closure until I finjd out what he did with my things. I've listened to all the rational and logical explainations from people and I'm still not satisfied with the end result. I am angry, saddened, heart broken and confused behind this and honestly I don't know what it will take for me to get over it. I'm sick of people telling m I just have to accept it for what it is and just move on, I can't seem to do that. There's a part of me that wants to take what he values the most, which is his wii game and launch it into the ocean, just so he can feel what I'm feeling. Now realistically I'm not going to do that, these are just thoughts roaming through my head. When I'm in my son's company I often find myself staring at him wondering if he has any clue how deep my hurt is. I wonder if he realizes that our relationship will never be the same again, come to think of it I wonder if he even cares.

My short comings as a father become more evident as time passes by. The lost opportunities I've had to do things with him, to help him grow and develop into a better person as well as a man. My self centered ways and selfish attitude have made him what he is today and I can only blame myself for how he's turning out. I often blame my mother and his mother for the way that he is, in part to camouflag my own ineptitude as a father and in part out of anger for constantly butting in whenevr I actually did try to discipline him. I guess at a certain point they interfered so much, I pretty much gave them full reign to raise him the way they wanted to. Now that the damage has been done and he's too big to baby, I'm told to step in and do something. If I can ever overcome the resentment that I'm feeling, the hurt and anger that's in my heart, then maybe I can be the father he needs me to be.

Time heals all wounds

The newest crisis involving my son, as I've said previously is that he's now on the verge of getting left back. My entire household is in turmoil behind this, not to mention his mother adding to the drama and hysteria of it all! I have been asked by his mother if he can now come every weekend as opposed to the normal bi-weekly routine. His mother has basically thrown in the towel and turned over the bulk of the parenting responsibilities to me. I guess she has her own problems dealing with a 2 year old from her current marriage, and an a-hole of a husband that makes his dislike for my son well known. Her husband is unemployed and stays at home with the 2 year old and has very little patience for my son. Didn't it dawn on this idiot at some point, that women with children are a package deal and having a woman choose between her child and this butt head of a man is not the natural order of things??????????????? I bite my tongue when it comes to this moron because I don't want to make the situation worse for my son, but from the looks of things, he's clearly behind enemy lines.

His mother has been advocating him moving back in with me, but my issue is leaving him alone in my home unattended. I have explained to his mother that's not going to happen until he gains back the trust that I've lost for him. He's already stolen every item of value that I had and I have yet to come to terms with this. My other issue is that he lived with me for 3 years and was becoming a well rounded young man. He was bright, articulate, expressive, wrote poetry and had so many aspirations dancing around in his head. I have watched the little boy I created, over a period of time, morph into a kid straight from hell, with no regard or respect for anything or anyone around him. Thanks to the lack of attention he gets from his mother and the feelings of being displaced in his current situation, this is his way of acting out and "giving back", unfortunately I'm the one that's catching the give back.

I'm having a hard time understanding what happened to the nice young man I sent to her and what went wrong. I took it for granted that once he moved in with his mom that he would continue on the road I paved for him , dam life can be so simple if we let it be as such. Now that he's not the wonderful adoring little boy he used to be, she no longer wants him around. Despite the issues I'm having with him, my heart goes out to him and in some ways I feel his pain. In some cases time does heal all wounds. I still have my anger issues over him stealing my things but I also understand that he needs me to be a father to him, and as the road that intertwines our lives together continues, this is a cross that I will forever bare.

Virtual Insanity

This situation just keeps getting better and better, with no end in sight. My son's mom seems to think I'm an on going sounding board for the issuses she's having with our son. I go to bed with the sound of her voice in my head, constantly complaining and I wake up to her ringing my cell phone and my work phone off the hook! How refreshing to get these daily calls from her, it's like we never seperated and she's doing her best to make sure that the 2 of them remain the focal point of my life. How dare me have a happy life while she's stuck with the turmoil of dealing with my son. The impression that I'm getting is that she refuses to allow me a peaceful moment as long as she has my son. Forget the fact that while he lived with me for 3 years he was a decent well rounded young man, oh and did I mention that he was a straight "A" honor roll student, constantly making the Dean's list? It appears to me that fathers may be a little more valuable than what we're given credit for!

As of this writing my son's mom has informed me that now he's on the verge of getting left behind in school if he doesn't get his act together. I'm assuming that his teachers have pretty much had it with his attitude and lack of effort in school. I don't even have to go into how livid I was during her phone call yesterday, had my son been in front of me while I was talking to his mom, I would have put his friggin head through the wall! Once again I have to sit his ass down and explain to him the virtues of getting a good education and how even blue collar workers have to have some type of advanced knowledge, in order to survive in this day and age. There are no more manual labor jobs paying livable wages anymore. In the era that we live in now, some type of formal education is imperative or you risk having a career going no where or no career at all.

His mother has it in her head that now he needs to move back in with me, disrupting his life and mine once again. The novelty of being his mother and making him do what's required of him as a child has worn off and like the disposable society we live in, she no longer wants him around. It appears as though he's not fitting in with her current lifestyle and before he causes anymore chaos, he needs to go. I blame her for this continuous meltdown of my son because I'll be dammed if he's going to live in my home and not follow the script and do as I say. I don't care what his personal issues are, school comes first and failure is not an option! To say I'm angry is an understatement, I'M PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!. My emotions are running hot and cold at this point and the only thing that I can do at this point is stay focused and do what I have to do as his father. Hmmm, that's easier said than done, but hopefully we'll get through some how. Parenting doesn't come with instructions but it sure would help.

Time will tell

It's been very difficult to turn the other cheek and act as if nothing has ever happened and deal with my son unconditionally. The warmth and abiding love I once had for my son is no longer there. I find myself just going through the motions as his father and doing what's required of me, nothing more, nothing less. I'm not one of those parents that can just accept their child crapping all over them and acting as if it's just a part of them growing up and expressing whatever they're feeling. I don't identify with that mentality and I probably never will. I would have gotten my ass kicked for some of the stuff my son has pulled. I spend more time analyzing his behavior and wondering what the hell is on this kid's mind, until it baffles me and leaves me more pissed off than I was when this initially happened. I'm not able to move forward and focus on giving him what he needs as far as growing up to be a well rounded young man and basically doing the right things in life. I drop little jewels of wisdom on him as situations occur but whether or not he gets it, is a different dynamic altogether.

My mind often fast forwards to how our relationship will be once my son grows up and how he'll deal with me as a man, and if there will be anything for us to share as father and son. I've often found myself crying on my fathers' shoulders, about the latest episode involving my son, only to be met with laughter and a short reminder of some of the stunts I pulled as a kid. Needless to say I was no saint and after going back in time to be reminded of some of my moments, it's simply history repeating itself. That in itself is cool and almost acceptable by me but dam this boy has done some things that I would have never even attempted as a kid growing up. The mentality of parents and the law has changed drastically from when I was a kid. There are certain things parents could get away with back then that just wouldn't fly today. Parents risk going to jail nowadays for disciplining their kids too harshly, or even worse being registered with that state as an abusive parent. So now we're in a situation whereas the inmates are running the institution!

My son has never threatened to call the cops on me for disciplining him, and should he ever decide to report me in any regard, then he's pretty much ready to start taking care of himself. There's no way In hell that I'm going to let some outside agency that knows nothing about me or my son tell me how to raise or discipline him. I continue to wrestle with unresolved issues involving my son and each day I ask my higher power for the strength and wisdom I need to persevere and keep pushing through but man it ain't easy! In my heart I do have the love and warmth for my son, that's necessary for me to hang in there with him and I can only hope that as time goes by I'll be able to figure it all out!

Inside myself

I spend a lot of time thinking about my son and thinking of ways to turn our relationship around. My reality is that I'm a half ass father that has dropped the ball on many occasions. I can only blame my kid but for so long, without taking some of the responsibility of how he's turning out. How could I expect this kid to be self sufficient and not need the ongoing attention of his father, in order to be a well rounded young man. My ignorance told me to just leave the boy alone and he'll figure it out as he goes along, just like I did. While he was growing up, I gave him every interactive toy on the planet, which I call "busy toys" and it pretty much kept him out of my hair, and allowed me to do my own things. I didn't realize that while he was growing up, we in turn were growing apart and as he grows into manhood, I know next to nothing about him and him less about me.

I never took the time to find out what my son's passions in life are or what his favorite color is or what his favorite hobbies are. Our time spent together is more or less like me conducting an interview, and him giving me one word answers to my questions. It tears at my heart and creates images of worst case scenarios in my head, and above all makes me want to recapture all those lost childhood moments. We have no memories to reflect back on once he is a man and I know that some day I'll pay for not being an integral part of his life. I can feel the frustration and pain coming from him and I see the constant sadness in his eyes, the hurt of not having either one of his parents all to himself.

My son is a complexity of emotions, very quiet(sneaky is more like it), withdrawn and keeps all of his thoughts inside. His exterior is as cold as ice and seems to be tougher to crack as time goes by. I have no way of knowing what's going on his head at any given time, nor in all honesty do I know how to relate to him. Is there a way to turn this around or am I raising a remorseless young man who doesn't give a dam about the people he hurts along the way in life, only time will tell.

Sick and tired

I'm sick of the stress and headache that goes along with being a parent. I look forward to the day that my son finally becomes a man and has to be responsible for himself. Now keep in mind it's not dealing with his issues that's causing me to think this way, no not at all. I love my son and I will always stand by him, regardless of the circumstances. It's his dam mother that's making me regret ever having kids! I spend more time on the phone and listening to her daily complaints about his behavior than when we were actually together. When people say that misery loves company, I am living proof of this. I can't describe how happy I was when his mother and I went our seperate ways, I thought the nightmare of dealing with this perpetual pain in my ass was over. I looked forward to finally having her out of my life except for the responsibilities of dealing with our child. No more arguing, no more petty nit picking over the stupidest of things, dam man I can finally breathe again! Unfortunately as long as this chick is in my life I'll never have peace and God forbid the fact that I actually am happy at this point. My son and his mom have become my cross to bare and as time goes by the burden gets heavier.

I'm not a chronic complainer and I'm more than willing to give my son what he needs in order to grow up and be a decent young man in this world. I just wish there was a way to do this without being bothered with his mother, a perfect scenario in a perfect world that will probably never happen. I used to wonder why some men would just cut out on their kids, never follow up, no type of support whether it be emotional or monetary and i would often think that some dudes just don't give a dam. In reality they probably just got fed up with dealing with the anger and venom of a woman scorned and figured if being in the child's life means dealing with this crap then forget about it, "I'm out!". I often wish I could do the same thing but my conscience and my morality won't allow it. I'm one of those shmucks that hangs in there to the bitter end. I take the constant verbal shots, and I deal with her nagging unhappiness just to be there for my son, and to let let him know that dad does give a dam.
My reality is that there's no way to get around dealing with just him without dealing with his mom and even though I'm sick and tired of the drama that they constantly bring into my life, I'm here to stay. My emotions run hot and cold when it comes to parenting. I pray each day for the strength and wisdom I need to get me through these times. Rasing children doesn't come with instructions but through faith and determination and a belief in my higher power, I'll get through it, because at the end of the day it is what it is!

Moments of insanity

I have had to wrestle with my conscience on many occasions with how my son is behaving and I've had to do some soul searching, in order to put my own issues to the side and find out what the hell is making this kid tick. I am constantly pulled into the middle of disputes between him and his mother, and I find both of them more aggravating now then when we all lived together. She consistently calls me to do damage control in reference to his behavior. Since I don't live with them, it's very difficult for me to be as effective as I could be if he lived with me. The most recent episode occurred last night, with her calling me hysterical saying that my son just cut himself with a knife, and that I need to do something. In between her screaming and crying, which I hear more often than not, alarms went off in my head thinking my worst fears have now become my reality.

When moments like this occur, which can potentially lead to tragedy, we often want to recapture those lost moments when we could have done something to prevent this from happening. All I could think about at this moment was if my son was still alive and if he's really hurt then why didn't she rush him to the hospital or at least call the ambulance! For a few brief moments in time I felt completely helpless, which frustrated me even more. I insisted that she put my son on the phone so I could find out what was going on over there and why once again was he bringing more drama into our lives. One thing I want to make clear is the my son's answer for everything that he does, good bad or indifferent is "I dunno". These are probably 2 of the most aggravating words that a child could ever say to a parent after they've screwed it up again. However frustrating it may be, at some point cooler heads must prevail and instead of yelling at him and making the situation worse, I maintained my calm and asked him what was wrong, something that his mother doesn't have the time or patience for. His biggest issue is that his mother may hear what he says but she never listens to him, simplicity in a nutshell and something so easily resolved!

I explained to my son what his mom was dealing with as far as having a moron for a husband and a 2 year old to contend with as well, he may never get the full and complete attention that he needs from her because of what she's dealing with but I'm always here and he can call me whenever he needs me. I've had flashes in my mind of my son attempting suicide or doing something really drastic to himself because of his need for attention or to just simply be heard and as a concerned parent I'm willing to do whatever I have to, to prevent this from happening. My parents had often told me that all the hell I put them through while I was growing up would come back on me ten fold if I ever had a son. I would laugh it off and just say "whatever", but now I know what they mean and it scares me to think what else may lie ahead.