I have had to wrestle with my conscience on many occasions with how my son is behaving and I've had to do some soul searching, in order to put my own issues to the side and find out what the hell is making this kid tick. I am constantly pulled into the middle of disputes between him and his mother, and I find both of them more aggravating now then when we all lived together. She consistently calls me to do damage control in reference to his behavior. Since I don't live with them, it's very difficult for me to be as effective as I could be if he lived with me. The most recent episode occurred last night, with her calling me hysterical saying that my son just cut himself with a knife, and that I need to do something. In between her screaming and crying, which I hear more often than not, alarms went off in my head thinking my worst fears have now become my reality.
When moments like this occur, which can potentially lead to tragedy, we often want to recapture those lost moments when we could have done something to prevent this from happening. All I could think about at this moment was if my son was still alive and if he's really hurt then why didn't she rush him to the hospital or at least call the ambulance! For a few brief moments in time I felt completely helpless, which frustrated me even more. I insisted that she put my son on the phone so I could find out what was going on over there and why once again was he bringing more drama into our lives. One thing I want to make clear is the my son's answer for everything that he does, good bad or indifferent is "I dunno". These are probably 2 of the most aggravating words that a child could ever say to a parent after they've screwed it up again. However frustrating it may be, at some point cooler heads must prevail and instead of yelling at him and making the situation worse, I maintained my calm and asked him what was wrong, something that his mother doesn't have the time or patience for. His biggest issue is that his mother may hear what he says but she never listens to him, simplicity in a nutshell and something so easily resolved!
I explained to my son what his mom was dealing with as far as having a moron for a husband and a 2 year old to contend with as well, he may never get the full and complete attention that he needs from her because of what she's dealing with but I'm always here and he can call me whenever he needs me. I've had flashes in my mind of my son attempting suicide or doing something really drastic to himself because of his need for attention or to just simply be heard and as a concerned parent I'm willing to do whatever I have to, to prevent this from happening. My parents had often told me that all the hell I put them through while I was growing up would come back on me ten fold if I ever had a son. I would laugh it off and just say "whatever", but now I know what they mean and it scares me to think what else may lie ahead.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Turning the other cheek
I have my son for the weekend and to say it's been interesting is an understatement. I've stopped mentioning what happened to my missing jewelry because in his own little delusional world he's done nothing wrong and clearly he's the victim in all of this. On his most recent visit to his therapist he blames his lack of performance in school and his anti-social behavior at home with his mother on the fact that he's being falsely accused of something he didn't do. Now under ordinary circumstances, this act may or may not have worked with me, depending on how I'm feeling at that time and my level of compassion. What I'm saying at this point is dam man how long are you going to continue to insult my intelligence! My son is completely indifferent to the pain this is causing me and how much it hurts my heart for this kid to consistently, lie and steal from the only man in his life that actually cares whether he lives or dies. I'm sick of hearing everyone say, "Oh he needs your attention or he's reaching out for help". This is the biggest line of BS I've ever heard because he is so well loved by a list of people, this list includes immediate family, both grand parents, and a variety of friends and extended family that do give a dam! Initially when I would hear that, I would start second guessing myself and my actions with him, but at some point a child has to accept responsibility for their actions, instead of manipulating the situation in their favor.
I don't believe in one universal form of parenting that's applicable to all children, because to me they represent intricate patterns of diversity and what may work well for one child doesn't mean that the next child will respond the same way. The opinions that I get on how to handle this situation are absurdly clinical in some regards, or refreshingly old school! Old school meaning that in situations of hard headedness parents didn't consult Dr. Phil or surfed the net for some anonymous website giving "well researched advise", on how to raise your child, they simply busted that ass till you got the message! Unfortunately I'm not that kind of father, I don't like violence and I'm not an abuser of children, so laying the beats on my son is something I'm just not cut out to do.
This is probably going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, which is the ability to forgive and continue being a father to my son. I often wish that he had been an acquaintance or even a distant relative, then, how easy it would be to eliminate him from my life and never deal with him or speak to him again. Well life just ain't built that way and sometimes certain situations come back to bite us in the ass. For now all I can do is just keep pushin' and hope that some higher power from somewhere points me in the right direction.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Judgement Day
There comes a time when everyone has a day of reckoning, a day when we have to account for our actions and inaction's. I've done a lot of soul searching, in regards to my son and what I can do to turn things around. I'm struggling to move past my own selfish feelings and inaction, to be the father that my son needs me to be. My heart hurts over the lack of interaction that transpires whenever we're together. Our relationship is so bad now that my son doesn't even bother to look me in the eye anymore when we're together. I feel like we're 2 strangers meeting each other for the first time after 14 years in each others life. My sadness is overwhelming at times because when I look in his eyes I see a little boy that is so lost and clueless to what life has in store for him, that I just want to grab him and shake some sense into him. I want to embrace him and hold him close to me and tell him that I love him so much and that I'm here for him if he needs to talk about the things that are on his mind.
I constantly ask myself what I've done to create this space that exists between us. Was it the fact that his mother and I constantly fought when we were together and his loyalty is only for her? I can only imagine how much he's seen and what he really thinks about me. I have nightmares of a boy turning into a man and confronting me about the issues he has with me. I picture a young man in a rage expressing his hatred for me and telling me how lousy a father I've been and that he'd like nothing more than to write me out of his life forever. I picture a young man telling me how much he needed me emotionally, while he was growing up but I was never there for him.
While he was growing up it was so easy for me to pass the responsibilities of his daily care to his mother. I had a million excuses why I couldn't do the simplest things like change diapers or do the feeding or even giving him a bath. I didn't realize how important these moments of bonding were and how they would lay a foundation that would last a lifetime. You can't recapture those moments. Once they're gone, it's done and over with forever, moments in time never to be relived again. Those lost moments will be my cross to bare when my judgment day is here.
I constantly ask myself what I've done to create this space that exists between us. Was it the fact that his mother and I constantly fought when we were together and his loyalty is only for her? I can only imagine how much he's seen and what he really thinks about me. I have nightmares of a boy turning into a man and confronting me about the issues he has with me. I picture a young man in a rage expressing his hatred for me and telling me how lousy a father I've been and that he'd like nothing more than to write me out of his life forever. I picture a young man telling me how much he needed me emotionally, while he was growing up but I was never there for him.
While he was growing up it was so easy for me to pass the responsibilities of his daily care to his mother. I had a million excuses why I couldn't do the simplest things like change diapers or do the feeding or even giving him a bath. I didn't realize how important these moments of bonding were and how they would lay a foundation that would last a lifetime. You can't recapture those moments. Once they're gone, it's done and over with forever, moments in time never to be relived again. Those lost moments will be my cross to bare when my judgment day is here.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Sins of the father
Growing up I've always been told to be careful of my actions and the things that I do, because the sins of the father will fall on the child. I didn't pay this any mind at the time because I had no kids, was young and wild and to be honest I just didn't care. Those words have never rang truer than at this moment. I replay the moments of my son's life while he was growing up, over and over in my head, wishing I could recapture some of those moments. There are so many things I would have done differently, such as sharing more of myself with him and not thinking that he was a self contained kid like I was. I didn't need or want my father's constant attention. When it came to doing things with my father or spending time with him, for the most part I just wanted to be left alone.
I didn't know how to relate to my father, we were from 2 different worlds and there are times when I thought as a son I was a failure to him. I wasn't a rough and tumble kid, I shied away from other kids because of my own insecurities and learned how to create my own imaginary world that had no room for a father. Believing that the fruit doesn't fall too far from the tree, I had assumed that my son would be the same way. All I had to do was give him enough toys, plenty of interactive games and activities and he'd have no need for me. My old school way of thinking was to just pay the bills, keep a roof over every one's head and food in their bellies and my job is done! To that, I say not a shot! My role as a father figure, domestic partner and provider were all intangibles and it's very hard to have one without the other, and is a role that is ongoing and all encompassing.
I was too self absorbed to see that my son needed so much more from me, much more than what I was capable of giving at the time because I just didn't know how to give that part of myself that he needed so desperately. I reflect on our relationship with sadness and deep regret over not following through on what was expected of me and when I blame him for his actions, I am inadvertently blaming myself.
I didn't know how to relate to my father, we were from 2 different worlds and there are times when I thought as a son I was a failure to him. I wasn't a rough and tumble kid, I shied away from other kids because of my own insecurities and learned how to create my own imaginary world that had no room for a father. Believing that the fruit doesn't fall too far from the tree, I had assumed that my son would be the same way. All I had to do was give him enough toys, plenty of interactive games and activities and he'd have no need for me. My old school way of thinking was to just pay the bills, keep a roof over every one's head and food in their bellies and my job is done! To that, I say not a shot! My role as a father figure, domestic partner and provider were all intangibles and it's very hard to have one without the other, and is a role that is ongoing and all encompassing.
I was too self absorbed to see that my son needed so much more from me, much more than what I was capable of giving at the time because I just didn't know how to give that part of myself that he needed so desperately. I reflect on our relationship with sadness and deep regret over not following through on what was expected of me and when I blame him for his actions, I am inadvertently blaming myself.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Not my child!
We as parents are often trying to find a scapegoat for why our children do what they do. The last person we look at is ourselves. It's hard for a parent to realize that their child can do the negative things that they do,things that may involve stealing, selling drugs, and the most heinous of all acts, rape and murder. I hope and pray that my son doesn't travel down that road, but at this point I'm not so sure. So far he's managed to live up to all my fears and shattered all the pleasantries involved with parenthood. I should have actually seen this coming awhile ago, and did whatever I could have to prevent this from happening. I should have seen the warning signs like when he used to do mean spirited things around the house like flushing my contact lens down the toilet. I should have noticed early on in his childhood that there was a problem and killed it right away.
My son has always done mean spirited things, for whatever reason I don't know but honestly I'm sick of people saying "it's only because he wants your attention". There have been a few times when he did get my attention, like the time he flushed my contact lens down the toilet and laughed about it. He enjoyed watching me stumbling around half blind because I didn't have an extra pair. After an extensive grilling, he admitted that yes he did flush them, only because he wanted to see if they could float! Me, myself I'm old school and don't believe in consulting a child psychologist every time I want to discipline my child, so lets just say after I got through with him he realized that wasn't the wisest move he could have made. However the one moment that did crack me up is when he decided to change his own crappy diaper because I was moving too slow and when I walked in the bedroom to find out what that naked streak was running past the doorway, I almost slipped and busted my ass because this kid had poop everywhere! Since I am a very wise man I acted like I didn't see anything(I don't do well with poop), I got my ass out of that room quick, so his mom could discover this mess on her own and let her clean it up!
These events among others should have given me the clues that I needed to see, that this kid was very conniving, and very sneaky. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently with my son, mainly spending more time with him. My son stays on my mind constantly and I feel like I've failed him as a father in so many ways, but it's hard to give what's not in you to give. How do I turn back the clock and undo the damage that I've done?
My son has always done mean spirited things, for whatever reason I don't know but honestly I'm sick of people saying "it's only because he wants your attention". There have been a few times when he did get my attention, like the time he flushed my contact lens down the toilet and laughed about it. He enjoyed watching me stumbling around half blind because I didn't have an extra pair. After an extensive grilling, he admitted that yes he did flush them, only because he wanted to see if they could float! Me, myself I'm old school and don't believe in consulting a child psychologist every time I want to discipline my child, so lets just say after I got through with him he realized that wasn't the wisest move he could have made. However the one moment that did crack me up is when he decided to change his own crappy diaper because I was moving too slow and when I walked in the bedroom to find out what that naked streak was running past the doorway, I almost slipped and busted my ass because this kid had poop everywhere! Since I am a very wise man I acted like I didn't see anything(I don't do well with poop), I got my ass out of that room quick, so his mom could discover this mess on her own and let her clean it up!
These events among others should have given me the clues that I needed to see, that this kid was very conniving, and very sneaky. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently with my son, mainly spending more time with him. My son stays on my mind constantly and I feel like I've failed him as a father in so many ways, but it's hard to give what's not in you to give. How do I turn back the clock and undo the damage that I've done?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Where did I go wrong??
I've experienced the joy of fatherhood early on in my son's life, when I would look at him and dream about all the endless possibilities that lie ahead for him. Every parent wants their child to be greater than them, and achieve more than what they could ever hope to achieve in the lifetime. I would ask myself is it fair to put the pressures of our past failures on our children in order for them to succeed, by constantly reminding them of how great we want them to be or is it best to sit back and let them figure things out for themselves. Well I guess me sitting back for 14yrs has come back to bite me in the ass and now I'm feeling the heat! My heart is breaking over the state of our relationship and in fact there is no relationship, only the pain of knowing my son and I may never be what I hoped we would to each other.
I feel like I've failed my son in so many ways, moments in time that I wish I could take back. The empty promises that I've made, the ongoing years of emotional neglect on my part. The sad face of a lost little boy has become my constant companion, haunting me and tearing at my soul. I find myself talking to just about anyone who'll listen to help me find the answers I'm looking for, but needless to say the answers undoubtedly come from within. I have too much on my mind to deal with what I'm feeling at this time, among other things. I'll be back sometime this week.
I feel like I've failed my son in so many ways, moments in time that I wish I could take back. The empty promises that I've made, the ongoing years of emotional neglect on my part. The sad face of a lost little boy has become my constant companion, haunting me and tearing at my soul. I find myself talking to just about anyone who'll listen to help me find the answers I'm looking for, but needless to say the answers undoubtedly come from within. I have too much on my mind to deal with what I'm feeling at this time, among other things. I'll be back sometime this week.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Quiet before the storm
I've spent countless hours reflecting on how simple life was with my son when he was an infant, not understanding exactly what lies ahead of me. I reflect on those wonderful moments when dealing with him was so simple. I would often brag about how much I did for him as a father and how tight we were, but in reality it was a lie. I didn't really do anything above and beyond what I was supposed to do. Very rarely did I change diapers, I hated the chore of feeding him when his mother wasn't around. This pretty much took me away from my self absorbed world and in reality I just didn't want the responsibility. I could only identify with the glamorized version of being a parent, you know those indelible commercial images you see of both parents smiling and glowing over the joy of having their child, this is what I call "The quiet before the storm". During these smiling feel good moments we have no clue about the havoc this child is about to bring into our lives. We don't know if we're raising a potential thief, murderer, or the next big crack dealer in the hood, parents just don't think that way, human nature dictates we expect big things from our kids.
My son brings out a complex dynamic of emotions with me and as of this moment I'm at a cross roads with how I feel about him. Is it possible that you can love your child and not like them? I don't like my son for what he's done to me but I'll always love him. I don't like the lack of respect that he has for the people around him or for the things that his mother and I give to him, so who is to blame for this? Do I blame myself for being generous with him and not teaching him the value of this generosity, so he doesn't take it for granted, or do I blame his mom for giving him so much because her childhood was so lacking? I don't know who's to blame at this point, nor do I know how to turn things around, but hopefully as I write about this, through some way shape or form the answers that I seek will be revealed to me.
There are times I wish I could be like some brotha's out there. You know, the type of brotha that has no emotional connection to his kids whatsoever. He's the type of guy that has no regard for his indiscretions. He'll bang a chick out with no regard for protection or safe sex and if the chick gets knocked up well then so be it because he has no time for the mundane aspects of her pregnancy. I don't have it in me to disregard someone that's pregnant by me as if they're an after thought, my father didn't treat me that way and it's just not how I'm built.
If I didn't care, I wouldn't be writing this blog, I'd simply write this kid off as a loss, move forward and just make more babies. At some point in my life I do want another child but honestly I'm scared to death it will turn out screwed up again and I'll have another monster on my hands. Part of me is saying to work with what I have and repair the damage that's been done with my son now, as opposed to bringing another child into this world and the other part of me is saying, the hell with this kid bro, we can always start over!
Karma in life is truly a bitch and the sins of the father will often be reflected through the actions of our children. My sins in life have been many so I guess I'm in for one helluva ride!
My son brings out a complex dynamic of emotions with me and as of this moment I'm at a cross roads with how I feel about him. Is it possible that you can love your child and not like them? I don't like my son for what he's done to me but I'll always love him. I don't like the lack of respect that he has for the people around him or for the things that his mother and I give to him, so who is to blame for this? Do I blame myself for being generous with him and not teaching him the value of this generosity, so he doesn't take it for granted, or do I blame his mom for giving him so much because her childhood was so lacking? I don't know who's to blame at this point, nor do I know how to turn things around, but hopefully as I write about this, through some way shape or form the answers that I seek will be revealed to me.
There are times I wish I could be like some brotha's out there. You know, the type of brotha that has no emotional connection to his kids whatsoever. He's the type of guy that has no regard for his indiscretions. He'll bang a chick out with no regard for protection or safe sex and if the chick gets knocked up well then so be it because he has no time for the mundane aspects of her pregnancy. I don't have it in me to disregard someone that's pregnant by me as if they're an after thought, my father didn't treat me that way and it's just not how I'm built.
If I didn't care, I wouldn't be writing this blog, I'd simply write this kid off as a loss, move forward and just make more babies. At some point in my life I do want another child but honestly I'm scared to death it will turn out screwed up again and I'll have another monster on my hands. Part of me is saying to work with what I have and repair the damage that's been done with my son now, as opposed to bringing another child into this world and the other part of me is saying, the hell with this kid bro, we can always start over!
Karma in life is truly a bitch and the sins of the father will often be reflected through the actions of our children. My sins in life have been many so I guess I'm in for one helluva ride!
Friday, January 9, 2009
The Dead Man's Stare
I've spent countless hours trying to figure out what the hell makes my son tick. How is it that I can have some of the best relationships with kids other than my own and not have a clue on how to handle his insane behavior. Sometimes when I ask him questions in regards to some of the crap he's done, I get this look that absolutely floors me called the "dead man's stare". This look haunts me in my sleep and dogs me every time I think about it. I've never seen a kid so emotionally detached from his actions as if he's having an out of body experience and it's really not him that's being held accountable for what he's done. My head is spinning over the whereabouts of my jewelry and dammit, why the heck he did this to me!
I'm not crying victim here and despite how you may read me, I'm definitely no Bill Cosby and honestly I doubt if a persona like that ever existed in real life. How would he have handled the dead man's stare or my son's actions in general? Would he have been as frustrated and clueless as I am or would he have resolved these issues within the 30 minutes of show time? How do I get through the pain and anger I feel from trying to get through to my son and get him to understand that my heart is breaking over his behavior and that it's hurting me and jeopardizing the foundation of our relationship? How is it that you can raise your kid with all the love and kindness that you have in your heart and they still turn on you?
I may not have been the best father and certainly not the most attentive, but I was always there for him. His mom and I fought relentlessly and some of the things he's seen in reference to our battles have probably contributed to his demeanor, and as a result of seeing so many fights so often, it's like a part of him inside has died. It saddens me to think of the damage his mom and I may have done to him as a result of our selfish and self centered ways and at some point we can only blame ourselves and ask God for forgiveness, because as parents we were clearly a worst case scenario. My son has no remorse for his actions, no regard for the damage he inflicts on the people around him. Am I raising a potential felon, or a kid that may one day try to physically fight me, and while he's whipping my ass give me the dead man's stare? Time is often the cruelest teacher of all and we shall see.
I'm not crying victim here and despite how you may read me, I'm definitely no Bill Cosby and honestly I doubt if a persona like that ever existed in real life. How would he have handled the dead man's stare or my son's actions in general? Would he have been as frustrated and clueless as I am or would he have resolved these issues within the 30 minutes of show time? How do I get through the pain and anger I feel from trying to get through to my son and get him to understand that my heart is breaking over his behavior and that it's hurting me and jeopardizing the foundation of our relationship? How is it that you can raise your kid with all the love and kindness that you have in your heart and they still turn on you?
I may not have been the best father and certainly not the most attentive, but I was always there for him. His mom and I fought relentlessly and some of the things he's seen in reference to our battles have probably contributed to his demeanor, and as a result of seeing so many fights so often, it's like a part of him inside has died. It saddens me to think of the damage his mom and I may have done to him as a result of our selfish and self centered ways and at some point we can only blame ourselves and ask God for forgiveness, because as parents we were clearly a worst case scenario. My son has no remorse for his actions, no regard for the damage he inflicts on the people around him. Am I raising a potential felon, or a kid that may one day try to physically fight me, and while he's whipping my ass give me the dead man's stare? Time is often the cruelest teacher of all and we shall see.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
JOY AND PAIN
I often ask friends and family to read my blogs and critique me, and someone very dear to me told me it was good but I needed to add depth. I had to think about that one because to find depth is to dig deep down inside one's self and at times that can be a very hard thing to do. I have had my share of joy as a parent but now I'm feeling the pain of it and as of this writing I hate being a parent. I hate the frustration and aggravation that go along with it and I can't understand why at times this kid just can't get it right.
I have so many mixed emotions at this point, I don't know if I'm coming or going and the answers I'm looking for are far and few in between. It seems that after all the time and effort my son's mom and myself have put into him we seem to be raising a master thief. As I said previously I am very involved with my son's life. I've done as much as I can to help him get off to a good start in life and he's just not getting it. Over a period of time my son has managed to steal every item of value that I have. My anger is sky high and was so bad at one point, it was in his best interest to just stay away from me. I've approached him with this from many different angles, and as of this writing I've gotten no where. He will not acknowledge that he stole my things and he's completely indifferent to how I'm feeling and what I'm going through emotionally.
I often reflect how easy my life was before I had a child. I could deal with the headaches his mom gave me and the constant demands for money on top of money that she requested, because knowing that my son was ok was all I really cared about. When you're a weekend father, dealing with the mom is always the grain of salt in our lives that never goes away. A child causing problems is like alcohol poured over an open wound while it's still fresh, it hurts like hell!
Over a 3 year period I have watched money and jewelry disappear from my home at an alarming rate and when a process of elimination is done all fingers point to my son. He is stead fast in his denial and it scares me to see this kid lie and still so easily with very little regard to how his actions effect those around him. Sometimes I wish that he was the child of someone I've been dating so I can remove myself from the situation altogether and let someone else deal with this crap but I can't. I've always been the type of guy that if too much adversity popped up I could always remove myself from the situation and go on to something else, but how can you abandon your child and be at peace with your actions in the process?
My son has been going to counseling for a variety of issues ever since his mom and I seperated 5 years ago. I am constantly reminded of the lousy job I'm doing as a father and that I pretty much need to be in his skin so he doesn't feel neglected as a result of a break up that took place almost 5 years ago. A part of me wants to just say get your little ass together and get over it because there's no way in hell I'm gonna be with that lunatic mom of yours again, but I can't. I sit in the therapists' office with my son and his mom and I might as well have a bullseye on my chest when I do because it's open season on Dad. His therapist is a middle aged suburban white lady, who in my opinion doesn't have a clue on how to deal with minorty kids with issues like this.
I don't see any progress being made in regards to his behavior, oh and did I mention that he's a straight A student and consistently makes the Dean's list every year!
The one thing that's really starting to hurt me deeply is that I don't feel any type of a connection with my son. After all that has transpired, how do you re-build a relationship that may have never been there in the 1st place? Does he hate me so much for breaking up with his mom that he's going to make my life miserable and put me through hell until the day that I die? Do I have to prepare myself for that inevitable call from the police station at 2 or 3 in the morning because he was arrested for some dumbness, or am I being paid back for past sins? I have no answers at this point but I hang in there because my father never gave up on me, nor will I give up on my son.
I have so many mixed emotions at this point, I don't know if I'm coming or going and the answers I'm looking for are far and few in between. It seems that after all the time and effort my son's mom and myself have put into him we seem to be raising a master thief. As I said previously I am very involved with my son's life. I've done as much as I can to help him get off to a good start in life and he's just not getting it. Over a period of time my son has managed to steal every item of value that I have. My anger is sky high and was so bad at one point, it was in his best interest to just stay away from me. I've approached him with this from many different angles, and as of this writing I've gotten no where. He will not acknowledge that he stole my things and he's completely indifferent to how I'm feeling and what I'm going through emotionally.
I often reflect how easy my life was before I had a child. I could deal with the headaches his mom gave me and the constant demands for money on top of money that she requested, because knowing that my son was ok was all I really cared about. When you're a weekend father, dealing with the mom is always the grain of salt in our lives that never goes away. A child causing problems is like alcohol poured over an open wound while it's still fresh, it hurts like hell!
Over a 3 year period I have watched money and jewelry disappear from my home at an alarming rate and when a process of elimination is done all fingers point to my son. He is stead fast in his denial and it scares me to see this kid lie and still so easily with very little regard to how his actions effect those around him. Sometimes I wish that he was the child of someone I've been dating so I can remove myself from the situation altogether and let someone else deal with this crap but I can't. I've always been the type of guy that if too much adversity popped up I could always remove myself from the situation and go on to something else, but how can you abandon your child and be at peace with your actions in the process?
My son has been going to counseling for a variety of issues ever since his mom and I seperated 5 years ago. I am constantly reminded of the lousy job I'm doing as a father and that I pretty much need to be in his skin so he doesn't feel neglected as a result of a break up that took place almost 5 years ago. A part of me wants to just say get your little ass together and get over it because there's no way in hell I'm gonna be with that lunatic mom of yours again, but I can't. I sit in the therapists' office with my son and his mom and I might as well have a bullseye on my chest when I do because it's open season on Dad. His therapist is a middle aged suburban white lady, who in my opinion doesn't have a clue on how to deal with minorty kids with issues like this.
I don't see any progress being made in regards to his behavior, oh and did I mention that he's a straight A student and consistently makes the Dean's list every year!
The one thing that's really starting to hurt me deeply is that I don't feel any type of a connection with my son. After all that has transpired, how do you re-build a relationship that may have never been there in the 1st place? Does he hate me so much for breaking up with his mom that he's going to make my life miserable and put me through hell until the day that I die? Do I have to prepare myself for that inevitable call from the police station at 2 or 3 in the morning because he was arrested for some dumbness, or am I being paid back for past sins? I have no answers at this point but I hang in there because my father never gave up on me, nor will I give up on my son.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Who's to blame???
There are times that I sit and marvel over the various talk show topics, regarding bad ass kids. Pre-teens that are defiantly trying to get pregnant by some deadbeat wanna be thug, smoking weed in the house and cursing their parents out religiously, as if it's the natural order of things. Oh and might I add the toddlers are the worst!!! I see parents on network TV in tears, frustrated over the behavior of their children. I have no sympathy for these parents, because at the end of the day, who's to blame? Well howdy do my dear parent, YOU ARE!!! That's right in big bold letters! How dare you let that little monster, who's not paying a crumb louie in bills or taking on your daily hardships dictate what goes on in your household.
I too am taking back my rights as a parent and focusing more on being an authority figure, as opposed to giving my son free reign and being his homie. The hands off, let my son express himself era is over, simply put; it ain't gonna happen on my watch anymore! The new school psychological approach just isn't working and as a result our kids are systemically taking over. Now don't get my wrong, there are some kids out there that are one step away from saint hood, unfortunately that's not my kid and I truly do envy those parents because apparently you're doing something that needs to be bottled and shipped all across the country.
As time goes by I find myself leaning on my father more and more for his guidance and wisdom, wishing that I had the man he is today when I was a kid. I began to understand his methodology in how he dealt with me with respect and admiration, because to a certain degree it worked. He gave me the fundamentals and guidance necessary to be the man I am today. His methods taught me respect for the parent and adults in general, oh and did I mention that my generation actually grew up showing our neighbors and teachers in school respect as well! As much as I lusted after my 12th grade English teacher, left countless love letters on her desk, she never took the bait,hmmmmmmm.. go figure! All I can say in regards to this is my how times have changed. Boundaries have pretty much been shattered. There's a sexual revolution going on with our kids and their teachers and all I can do is grind my teeth over that because I pray to the Gods above that my son never gets caught up in that, my retribution to that tramp teacher would be a role model for other parents to follow! Whoever and wherever you are please give your child a hug and a kiss because at the end of the day having kids can truly be a blessing and when raised properly, with love, understanding, guidance and discipline the results can be tremendous!
I too am taking back my rights as a parent and focusing more on being an authority figure, as opposed to giving my son free reign and being his homie. The hands off, let my son express himself era is over, simply put; it ain't gonna happen on my watch anymore! The new school psychological approach just isn't working and as a result our kids are systemically taking over. Now don't get my wrong, there are some kids out there that are one step away from saint hood, unfortunately that's not my kid and I truly do envy those parents because apparently you're doing something that needs to be bottled and shipped all across the country.
As time goes by I find myself leaning on my father more and more for his guidance and wisdom, wishing that I had the man he is today when I was a kid. I began to understand his methodology in how he dealt with me with respect and admiration, because to a certain degree it worked. He gave me the fundamentals and guidance necessary to be the man I am today. His methods taught me respect for the parent and adults in general, oh and did I mention that my generation actually grew up showing our neighbors and teachers in school respect as well! As much as I lusted after my 12th grade English teacher, left countless love letters on her desk, she never took the bait,hmmmmmmm.. go figure! All I can say in regards to this is my how times have changed. Boundaries have pretty much been shattered. There's a sexual revolution going on with our kids and their teachers and all I can do is grind my teeth over that because I pray to the Gods above that my son never gets caught up in that, my retribution to that tramp teacher would be a role model for other parents to follow! Whoever and wherever you are please give your child a hug and a kiss because at the end of the day having kids can truly be a blessing and when raised properly, with love, understanding, guidance and discipline the results can be tremendous!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Patience is a virtue
I have spent countless hours configuring ways to be a better father, while examining my flaws and revisiting my own childhood. I thank God for having a father in my life and to this day he continues to give me the inspiration and motivation that I need to be a better father to my son. There have been times when I have called him in tears, frustrated over the actions of my son, seeking his advice over the most recent catastrophe . Needless to say he hasn't always told me what I wanted to hear. There have been times when all I wanted him to say was "Son get your ass outta that situation", well that never happened! He would often chuckle and remind me of some of the stunts that I pulled as a kid and then let me know that despite all of that he's still here. He just gave me a jewel of wisdom without even pointing it out to me.
This in itself is a testament to his resolve and patience as a father, because honestly some of the things I've done as a kid were horrendous, which I will go into in future blogs. In my opinion a father is vital to the healthy growth and development of a child, whether it be a boy or a girl. Although there are some very strong mothers out there, who are single parents, the foundation that can be developed for a child with a father in their life is invaluable! Fathers develop character in their sons simply through leading by example, with a few words of wisdom thrown in, and he provides a role model for his daughter, which gives her a guideline in how to choose a boyfriend and at some point a husband.
I am still figuring out what it takes to be a decent father to my son, while overcoming the adversity that plays into this role, and it ain't easy! Often times when my son does something that rubs me the wrong way, I find that I have to remove myself from the immediacy of that situation and re-group. I'm not good at dealing with issues when I'm pissed off and my dilemma is that once I do calm down, I am less likely to give a punishment as severe as I would have, had I dealt it out while I was pissed off.
There are times when our kids do things that if someone outside of our immediate family did them, we would write them off forever. Well hello folks!!!!!! Good, bad or indifferent that kid is yours till death due you part, so build your bridge and get over it because that kid isn't going anywhere. In my next blog I will share some parenting experiences with you, that hopefully will help you overcome some of the issues you are dealing with and give you a broader base of information on how to handle future episodes as they occur. God Bless!
This in itself is a testament to his resolve and patience as a father, because honestly some of the things I've done as a kid were horrendous, which I will go into in future blogs. In my opinion a father is vital to the healthy growth and development of a child, whether it be a boy or a girl. Although there are some very strong mothers out there, who are single parents, the foundation that can be developed for a child with a father in their life is invaluable! Fathers develop character in their sons simply through leading by example, with a few words of wisdom thrown in, and he provides a role model for his daughter, which gives her a guideline in how to choose a boyfriend and at some point a husband.
I am still figuring out what it takes to be a decent father to my son, while overcoming the adversity that plays into this role, and it ain't easy! Often times when my son does something that rubs me the wrong way, I find that I have to remove myself from the immediacy of that situation and re-group. I'm not good at dealing with issues when I'm pissed off and my dilemma is that once I do calm down, I am less likely to give a punishment as severe as I would have, had I dealt it out while I was pissed off.
There are times when our kids do things that if someone outside of our immediate family did them, we would write them off forever. Well hello folks!!!!!! Good, bad or indifferent that kid is yours till death due you part, so build your bridge and get over it because that kid isn't going anywhere. In my next blog I will share some parenting experiences with you, that hopefully will help you overcome some of the issues you are dealing with and give you a broader base of information on how to handle future episodes as they occur. God Bless!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Managing your misery
I have thought long and hard about which direction do I go with this blog. Do I make it a doom and gloom scenario, bringing parents like yourself on the verge of tears, or do I make it a whimsical exchange of information, priceless moments and of course scenarios that play out to a happy ending. Hmmmm, this gets more complex as I go deeper into what being a parent is all about. I guess all parenting starts from the beginning, yes that's right!! That 1st physical encounter with your present or past partner, that produced that wonderful little seed of frustration. Oh and stick around because it just gets better from that point. Once the romance of that interlude wears off and that wonderful bundle arrives at some god awful time in the morning( why is it that babies never come during normal waking hours??), because my dear clueless one, this is a sign of things to come.
My son actually blessed my world at 3:45 am and it's been an adventure ever since! The roller coaster started with me being in the delivery room for 12 hours, on a friday, and shame on me for being angry at not being able to make that party that was planned for that friday, which I had waited weeks for! Since I'm one that tends to plan ahead, I had made my son's mom whom I'm happy to say is a very distant ex of mine, have 3 sonograms. Yes that's right not 2 but 3, because the arrangement was that if it wasn't a girl, I wanted no parts of what was getting ready to go down. My son's mom assured me that yes!, we were having a girl and that I had no need to worry. Indeed I was a happy camper and proceeded to go out and buy literally hundreds of dollars in pretty pink baby wear. Having been in in the delivery room for 12 hours and nurses daring me to leave the delivery room, forget about bodily functions during this time period, the nurses weren't having any of it and were already pissed off for having to deal with my son's mom for so long, I felt it was in my best interest, safety wise to stay put.
After being cursed out repeatedly by my son's mom for putting her thru all of that torture, torture she says, hey I'm the one that missed a bangin' party! My efforts were in vain because as the Dr. presented me with a boy, I realized I had hundreds of dollars of worthless clothing, and the nurse had to actually remind me to smile, as this was a very joyous occasion. I honestly spent more time worrying how I was going to get my money back for all the clothes I had bought, and if in a worst case scenario, could I get away with dressing him in pink until he outgrew what I bought him. With this and other things on my mind, I was finally dismissed from the hospital and told that they needed rest and that it was time for me to say my goodbyes until tomorrow.
My first introduction to my son involved me picking up a wide eyed, frustrated from being pulled out of his safe and warm environment, newborn and promptly getting pissed on! For today I could put off until tomorrow the reality that my life had changed forever, which I will discuss further tomorrow.
My son actually blessed my world at 3:45 am and it's been an adventure ever since! The roller coaster started with me being in the delivery room for 12 hours, on a friday, and shame on me for being angry at not being able to make that party that was planned for that friday, which I had waited weeks for! Since I'm one that tends to plan ahead, I had made my son's mom whom I'm happy to say is a very distant ex of mine, have 3 sonograms. Yes that's right not 2 but 3, because the arrangement was that if it wasn't a girl, I wanted no parts of what was getting ready to go down. My son's mom assured me that yes!, we were having a girl and that I had no need to worry. Indeed I was a happy camper and proceeded to go out and buy literally hundreds of dollars in pretty pink baby wear. Having been in in the delivery room for 12 hours and nurses daring me to leave the delivery room, forget about bodily functions during this time period, the nurses weren't having any of it and were already pissed off for having to deal with my son's mom for so long, I felt it was in my best interest, safety wise to stay put.
After being cursed out repeatedly by my son's mom for putting her thru all of that torture, torture she says, hey I'm the one that missed a bangin' party! My efforts were in vain because as the Dr. presented me with a boy, I realized I had hundreds of dollars of worthless clothing, and the nurse had to actually remind me to smile, as this was a very joyous occasion. I honestly spent more time worrying how I was going to get my money back for all the clothes I had bought, and if in a worst case scenario, could I get away with dressing him in pink until he outgrew what I bought him. With this and other things on my mind, I was finally dismissed from the hospital and told that they needed rest and that it was time for me to say my goodbyes until tomorrow.
My first introduction to my son involved me picking up a wide eyed, frustrated from being pulled out of his safe and warm environment, newborn and promptly getting pissed on! For today I could put off until tomorrow the reality that my life had changed forever, which I will discuss further tomorrow.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Daddy Dearest
As a an African American male and father of a 14 yr old son, I find parenting to be so much more complex than when I was growing up. My son's mom and I are no longer together, and I'm pretty much the weekend and extended vacation parent. I set up this page, not only to exchange ideas on being a better father and better parent in general, but maybe just maybe I can help someone else out along the way. As my son gets older my focus is to put our interactions in writing, which in turn will help me come up with some answers in regards to his behavior and also allow readers like yourself, give insight on how I can potentially resolve some of his issues.
Parenting, regardless of ethnicity is not an easy task, especially in this pop driven culture that we live in. We also can't leave out the fact that we have video games, raunchy tv programming, and endless negative marketing that influence our children and have a huge impact in their thought processes. Most parents it seems have the bright idea that it's best to be our kid's friend and not so much an authority figure, or heaven forbid we piss the little darlings off and they call the cops on us and have us reported for child abuse! The older I get , the more I can appreciate the old school form of corporal punishment. Eventhough I'm not promoting beating the snot out of your kids, a good lick on the hind parts was definitely a motivation for me to stay out of trouble. My parents played good cop(Mom), bad cop(Dad), and if you had any type of common sense growing up in my era, you most definitely tried to resolve any adverse situations with the good cop before the bad one got wind of it,lol.
I marvel at the ingenuity and wisdom of my son, when he does dirty deeds and I wonder what was going thru his mind at the time of his actions. Well these are some of the things that will be explored in my daily or weekly blogs. Since I work a regular job and I'm not a blogspert or one who has the leisure to sit down and wax philosophical on the net about the joys of parenting. I will do my best to impart my wisdom and knowledge as a parent as much as possible. I'm also open to hearing any interesting stories or tidbits of advice that can make me a better parent, man or human being, ha! picture that!
Parenting, regardless of ethnicity is not an easy task, especially in this pop driven culture that we live in. We also can't leave out the fact that we have video games, raunchy tv programming, and endless negative marketing that influence our children and have a huge impact in their thought processes. Most parents it seems have the bright idea that it's best to be our kid's friend and not so much an authority figure, or heaven forbid we piss the little darlings off and they call the cops on us and have us reported for child abuse! The older I get , the more I can appreciate the old school form of corporal punishment. Eventhough I'm not promoting beating the snot out of your kids, a good lick on the hind parts was definitely a motivation for me to stay out of trouble. My parents played good cop(Mom), bad cop(Dad), and if you had any type of common sense growing up in my era, you most definitely tried to resolve any adverse situations with the good cop before the bad one got wind of it,lol.
I marvel at the ingenuity and wisdom of my son, when he does dirty deeds and I wonder what was going thru his mind at the time of his actions. Well these are some of the things that will be explored in my daily or weekly blogs. Since I work a regular job and I'm not a blogspert or one who has the leisure to sit down and wax philosophical on the net about the joys of parenting. I will do my best to impart my wisdom and knowledge as a parent as much as possible. I'm also open to hearing any interesting stories or tidbits of advice that can make me a better parent, man or human being, ha! picture that!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
