JOY AND PAIN

I often ask friends and family to read my blogs and critique me, and someone very dear to me told me it was good but I needed to add depth. I had to think about that one because to find depth is to dig deep down inside one's self and at times that can be a very hard thing to do. I have had my share of joy as a parent but now I'm feeling the pain of it and as of this writing I hate being a parent. I hate the frustration and aggravation that go along with it and I can't understand why at times this kid just can't get it right.

I have so many mixed emotions at this point, I don't know if I'm coming or going and the answers I'm looking for are far and few in between. It seems that after all the time and effort my son's mom and myself have put into him we seem to be raising a master thief. As I said previously I am very involved with my son's life. I've done as much as I can to help him get off to a good start in life and he's just not getting it. Over a period of time my son has managed to steal every item of value that I have. My anger is sky high and was so bad at one point, it was in his best interest to just stay away from me. I've approached him with this from many different angles, and as of this writing I've gotten no where. He will not acknowledge that he stole my things and he's completely indifferent to how I'm feeling and what I'm going through emotionally.

I often reflect how easy my life was before I had a child. I could deal with the headaches his mom gave me and the constant demands for money on top of money that she requested, because knowing that my son was ok was all I really cared about. When you're a weekend father, dealing with the mom is always the grain of salt in our lives that never goes away. A child causing problems is like alcohol poured over an open wound while it's still fresh, it hurts like hell!

Over a 3 year period I have watched money and jewelry disappear from my home at an alarming rate and when a process of elimination is done all fingers point to my son. He is stead fast in his denial and it scares me to see this kid lie and still so easily with very little regard to how his actions effect those around him. Sometimes I wish that he was the child of someone I've been dating so I can remove myself from the situation altogether and let someone else deal with this crap but I can't. I've always been the type of guy that if too much adversity popped up I could always remove myself from the situation and go on to something else, but how can you abandon your child and be at peace with your actions in the process?

My son has been going to counseling for a variety of issues ever since his mom and I seperated 5 years ago. I am constantly reminded of the lousy job I'm doing as a father and that I pretty much need to be in his skin so he doesn't feel neglected as a result of a break up that took place almost 5 years ago. A part of me wants to just say get your little ass together and get over it because there's no way in hell I'm gonna be with that lunatic mom of yours again, but I can't. I sit in the therapists' office with my son and his mom and I might as well have a bullseye on my chest when I do because it's open season on Dad. His therapist is a middle aged suburban white lady, who in my opinion doesn't have a clue on how to deal with minorty kids with issues like this.
I don't see any progress being made in regards to his behavior, oh and did I mention that he's a straight A student and consistently makes the Dean's list every year!

The one thing that's really starting to hurt me deeply is that I don't feel any type of a connection with my son. After all that has transpired, how do you re-build a relationship that may have never been there in the 1st place? Does he hate me so much for breaking up with his mom that he's going to make my life miserable and put me through hell until the day that I die? Do I have to prepare myself for that inevitable call from the police station at 2 or 3 in the morning because he was arrested for some dumbness, or am I being paid back for past sins? I have no answers at this point but I hang in there because my father never gave up on me, nor will I give up on my son.