Quiet before the storm

I've spent countless hours reflecting on how simple life was with my son when he was an infant, not understanding exactly what lies ahead of me. I reflect on those wonderful moments when dealing with him was so simple. I would often brag about how much I did for him as a father and how tight we were, but in reality it was a lie. I didn't really do anything above and beyond what I was supposed to do. Very rarely did I change diapers, I hated the chore of feeding him when his mother wasn't around. This pretty much took me away from my self absorbed world and in reality I just didn't want the responsibility. I could only identify with the glamorized version of being a parent, you know those indelible commercial images you see of both parents smiling and glowing over the joy of having their child, this is what I call "The quiet before the storm". During these smiling feel good moments we have no clue about the havoc this child is about to bring into our lives. We don't know if we're raising a potential thief, murderer, or the next big crack dealer in the hood, parents just don't think that way, human nature dictates we expect big things from our kids.

My son brings out a complex dynamic of emotions with me and as of this moment I'm at a cross roads with how I feel about him. Is it possible that you can love your child and not like them? I don't like my son for what he's done to me but I'll always love him. I don't like the lack of respect that he has for the people around him or for the things that his mother and I give to him, so who is to blame for this? Do I blame myself for being generous with him and not teaching him the value of this generosity, so he doesn't take it for granted, or do I blame his mom for giving him so much because her childhood was so lacking? I don't know who's to blame at this point, nor do I know how to turn things around, but hopefully as I write about this, through some way shape or form the answers that I seek will be revealed to me.

There are times I wish I could be like some brotha's out there. You know, the type of brotha that has no emotional connection to his kids whatsoever. He's the type of guy that has no regard for his indiscretions. He'll bang a chick out with no regard for protection or safe sex and if the chick gets knocked up well then so be it because he has no time for the mundane aspects of her pregnancy. I don't have it in me to disregard someone that's pregnant by me as if they're an after thought, my father didn't treat me that way and it's just not how I'm built.

If I didn't care, I wouldn't be writing this blog, I'd simply write this kid off as a loss, move forward and just make more babies. At some point in my life I do want another child but honestly I'm scared to death it will turn out screwed up again and I'll have another monster on my hands. Part of me is saying to work with what I have and repair the damage that's been done with my son now, as opposed to bringing another child into this world and the other part of me is saying, the hell with this kid bro, we can always start over!

Karma in life is truly a bitch and the sins of the father will often be reflected through the actions of our children. My sins in life have been many so I guess I'm in for one helluva ride!