I've experienced the joy of fatherhood early on in my son's life, when I would look at him and dream about all the endless possibilities that lie ahead for him. Every parent wants their child to be greater than them, and achieve more than what they could ever hope to achieve in the lifetime. I would ask myself is it fair to put the pressures of our past failures on our children in order for them to succeed, by constantly reminding them of how great we want them to be or is it best to sit back and let them figure things out for themselves. Well I guess me sitting back for 14yrs has come back to bite me in the ass and now I'm feeling the heat! My heart is breaking over the state of our relationship and in fact there is no relationship, only the pain of knowing my son and I may never be what I hoped we would to each other.
I feel like I've failed my son in so many ways, moments in time that I wish I could take back. The empty promises that I've made, the ongoing years of emotional neglect on my part. The sad face of a lost little boy has become my constant companion, haunting me and tearing at my soul. I find myself talking to just about anyone who'll listen to help me find the answers I'm looking for, but needless to say the answers undoubtedly come from within. I have too much on my mind to deal with what I'm feeling at this time, among other things. I'll be back sometime this week.
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