Inside myself

I spend a lot of time thinking about my son and thinking of ways to turn our relationship around. My reality is that I'm a half ass father that has dropped the ball on many occasions. I can only blame my kid but for so long, without taking some of the responsibility of how he's turning out. How could I expect this kid to be self sufficient and not need the ongoing attention of his father, in order to be a well rounded young man. My ignorance told me to just leave the boy alone and he'll figure it out as he goes along, just like I did. While he was growing up, I gave him every interactive toy on the planet, which I call "busy toys" and it pretty much kept him out of my hair, and allowed me to do my own things. I didn't realize that while he was growing up, we in turn were growing apart and as he grows into manhood, I know next to nothing about him and him less about me.

I never took the time to find out what my son's passions in life are or what his favorite color is or what his favorite hobbies are. Our time spent together is more or less like me conducting an interview, and him giving me one word answers to my questions. It tears at my heart and creates images of worst case scenarios in my head, and above all makes me want to recapture all those lost childhood moments. We have no memories to reflect back on once he is a man and I know that some day I'll pay for not being an integral part of his life. I can feel the frustration and pain coming from him and I see the constant sadness in his eyes, the hurt of not having either one of his parents all to himself.

My son is a complexity of emotions, very quiet(sneaky is more like it), withdrawn and keeps all of his thoughts inside. His exterior is as cold as ice and seems to be tougher to crack as time goes by. I have no way of knowing what's going on his head at any given time, nor in all honesty do I know how to relate to him. Is there a way to turn this around or am I raising a remorseless young man who doesn't give a dam about the people he hurts along the way in life, only time will tell.