Time will tell

It's been very difficult to turn the other cheek and act as if nothing has ever happened and deal with my son unconditionally. The warmth and abiding love I once had for my son is no longer there. I find myself just going through the motions as his father and doing what's required of me, nothing more, nothing less. I'm not one of those parents that can just accept their child crapping all over them and acting as if it's just a part of them growing up and expressing whatever they're feeling. I don't identify with that mentality and I probably never will. I would have gotten my ass kicked for some of the stuff my son has pulled. I spend more time analyzing his behavior and wondering what the hell is on this kid's mind, until it baffles me and leaves me more pissed off than I was when this initially happened. I'm not able to move forward and focus on giving him what he needs as far as growing up to be a well rounded young man and basically doing the right things in life. I drop little jewels of wisdom on him as situations occur but whether or not he gets it, is a different dynamic altogether.

My mind often fast forwards to how our relationship will be once my son grows up and how he'll deal with me as a man, and if there will be anything for us to share as father and son. I've often found myself crying on my fathers' shoulders, about the latest episode involving my son, only to be met with laughter and a short reminder of some of the stunts I pulled as a kid. Needless to say I was no saint and after going back in time to be reminded of some of my moments, it's simply history repeating itself. That in itself is cool and almost acceptable by me but dam this boy has done some things that I would have never even attempted as a kid growing up. The mentality of parents and the law has changed drastically from when I was a kid. There are certain things parents could get away with back then that just wouldn't fly today. Parents risk going to jail nowadays for disciplining their kids too harshly, or even worse being registered with that state as an abusive parent. So now we're in a situation whereas the inmates are running the institution!

My son has never threatened to call the cops on me for disciplining him, and should he ever decide to report me in any regard, then he's pretty much ready to start taking care of himself. There's no way In hell that I'm going to let some outside agency that knows nothing about me or my son tell me how to raise or discipline him. I continue to wrestle with unresolved issues involving my son and each day I ask my higher power for the strength and wisdom I need to persevere and keep pushing through but man it ain't easy! In my heart I do have the love and warmth for my son, that's necessary for me to hang in there with him and I can only hope that as time goes by I'll be able to figure it all out!