I have my son visiting for the weekend and in order for this to be enjoyable for either of us, I have to find a way to move forward and put the negative behind me. I seem to be the only one in my household holding on to these feelings and it seems as if no one really gives a dam how I feel about anything anyway. When things are brought upon me in a negative way, especially by the one's whom are closest to me, it tends to affect me a bit deeper as opposed to some one outside my circle. I have looked inside my heart on numerous occasions for a way to resolve this within me and for the time being I can't. A part of me has died as a result of my son stealing my things and I honestly don't know if it will ever be reborn.

I keep replaying the episode in my head over and over again and I don't think I'l ever have closure until I finjd out what he did with my things. I've listened to all the rational and logical explainations from people and I'm still not satisfied with the end result. I am angry, saddened, heart broken and confused behind this and honestly I don't know what it will take for me to get over it. I'm sick of people telling m I just have to accept it for what it is and just move on, I can't seem to do that. There's a part of me that wants to take what he values the most, which is his wii game and launch it into the ocean, just so he can feel what I'm feeling. Now realistically I'm not going to do that, these are just thoughts roaming through my head. When I'm in my son's company I often find myself staring at him wondering if he has any clue how deep my hurt is. I wonder if he realizes that our relationship will never be the same again, come to think of it I wonder if he even cares.

My short comings as a father become more evident as time passes by. The lost opportunities I've had to do things with him, to help him grow and develop into a better person as well as a man. My self centered ways and selfish attitude have made him what he is today and I can only blame myself for how he's turning out. I often blame my mother and his mother for the way that he is, in part to camouflag my own ineptitude as a father and in part out of anger for constantly butting in whenevr I actually did try to discipline him. I guess at a certain point they interfered so much, I pretty much gave them full reign to raise him the way they wanted to. Now that the damage has been done and he's too big to baby, I'm told to step in and do something. If I can ever overcome the resentment that I'm feeling, the hurt and anger that's in my heart, then maybe I can be the father he needs me to be.